I grew up in a Christian home, I always tried to do what was right, always be that perfect child. But growing up in an extremely dysfunctional family, I began to wonder if I was good enough. I began to doubt God’s love for me. I then searched for love from guys, hoping one would make me feel adequate. After multiple failed attempts, I thought, “Am I worth loving?” I found myself in the most abusive relationship of all, the experience left me numb and hollow. After it ended, I found out I was pregnant. An overwhelming feeling of shame, and anxiety came over me. I didn’t want any part of him with me, I just felt the pregnancy was a constant reminder of my failure and mistakes. I then made what I feel was the worst decision of my life, I decided to have an abortion. I couldn’t take the pain it caused me, I was in a state of panic, knowing each day I waited, the harder it would be. After I had the abortion, I didn’t eat or sleep, I felt isolated.
Then one night, I was sitting on my bed listening to “I Have This Hope” by, Tenth Avenue North, and the thought of what I had done finally became a reality. I said, “God, what have I done? What do you want me to do?” Then I heard a still, small voice say, “Be still and know that I am God, pick up your notebook, pen and write.” Just then, God began to purge me of all the darkness I felt inside. He renewed me, and showed me his love, his forgiveness. Even though I did something that I thought I could never come back from, God has shown his grace. Through His word, I am His, all is forgiven and I will share my story and I will look back and say, “I am whole again.”
When I think about my life and my past decisions I am reminded of Luke 15-4-5 (NLT):
“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders.”
I was the lost sheep, but now I am found.
Maybe you feel lost from God today but you want to be found by Him. Join me in this prayer:
Jesus, I know you know who I am and where I am. You say that nothing I have done can keep me from your love. I receive your forgiveness. I want to be found by You and I want to know you and allow you to lead me into a new life full of your grace. In Jesus’ name, amen.